Angels
the magic kingdom:
Trout, Ohtani, and Kershaw
thirty miles south

Astros
bury our chances
for signing Kershaw under
centerfield, Tal’s Hill

Cardinals
best fans in baseball
plus best pitcher in baseball
under the same Arch

Pirates
play on the river
and get to the Wild Card Game
with Jolly Clayton

Mets
NYC, subways–
mmm, turkey and cheese and a
bit of vinegar

Padres
a big one-two punch
amidst the marine layer
with Ginny Baker

Brewers
Clayton a cheesehead?
Brewers’ contract offer was
just a bit outside

Giants
decline is coming;
sign with San Francisco and
go undercover

Red Sox
last place or first place,
these Sox go back and forth like
a darn ping pong ball

Orioles
international
players? nah, let’s get Kershaw!
and start him at first

Rays
Rays’ future unclear:
move to a new park or, like
Pluto, disappear?

Marlins
who’s Clayton Kershaw?
we have no use for him now.
get “Victor” instead

Reds
wait, there’s a team in
Cincinnati? Ohio?
Kershaw won’t sign there

White Sox
biggest contract in
White Sox history: Jose
Abreu, ok?

Mariners
playoffs on the line:
Hernandez relieves Kershaw
seven years too late

Phillies
hey big spender, dig
this pitcher, fading but still
quite legitimate

Twins
how much would you pay
Clayton Kershaw’s twin? is it
more than Joe Mauer?

Royals
maybe Clayton says:
“I’m all about the AL
except the Royals”

Athletics
Beane says he’s got cash
he could blow it on Kershaw,
throw in naming rights

Blue Jays
what’s the difference:
Dodger blue or Blue Jay blue?
can you even tell?

Rockies
fine schools, probably,
but ERAs tend to get
Rocky Mountain high

Rangers
Clayton’s hometown team,
they also know the pain of
back-to-back pennants

Cubs
signing Kershaw just
before decline is so Cub
(pre-2016)

Tigers
hasten the rebuild
and pay out some contracts at
old Ilitch levels

Diamondbacks
what would Greinke do –
pay Kershaw the big bucks or
spend efficiently?

Yankees
Yankees always win
in free agency, it seems,
but would Kershaw shave?

Nationals
replace Harper with
Kershaw, paired with Scherzer and
still lose in 4 games

Braves
Atlanta has had
some true pitching legends but
what’s the deal with Smoltz?

Cleveland
Cleveland says hello!
but they’re still not done with their
goodbyes to LeBron

Dodgers
only team he’s known;
how could he ever leave them
and break Mary’s heart?

Thanks to Andrew Patrick, Ken Maeda, and Nick Strangis for their assistance.