Over the past few seasons, Major League Baseball has instituted new rules and practices to shorten game times because they believe a shorter game will bring in new fans. The changes have decreased game time by about 10 minutes, going unnoticed by a public busy watching archived Vines, or reading book covers then throwing them out of the window for being “too long.”

Despite nobody asking for it, league officials have announced more rules that will shorten the game time even further. The new rules and practices are listed below and effective for the upcoming 2017 season.

  • Intentional walks will be signaled by the manager and the pitcher no longer has to throw four intentional balls.
  • An intentionally-walked batter does not have to jog to first base. However, he will be driven there on a “very fast motorcycle.”
  • The ceremonial first pitch will be thrown by whoever is singing the national anthem, during the national anthem.
  • No even-number innings.
  • The “7th Inning Stretch” will be replaced by the “7th Inning Shorten.”
  • Sometimes it’s only two strikes and you’re out (only sometimes).
  • To increase home run trot speed, all batters that hit home runs will be chased by lynx, a breed of forest-dwelling cat.
  • Pitchers can no longer shake off their catchers and must act more open to other people’s ideas both on and off the field. Even retired players (e.g., Curt Schilling).
  • The “7th Inning Shorten” is cancelled.
  • Third base coaches will be replaced by three prosthetic arms duct-taped to a three-bladed windmill that will constantly send batters home.
  • No more rain delays, deal with it.

League officials are confident these new rules will make games at least thirty to forty-five seconds shorter. One league official said, “We hope that this will attract millions of new fans, or at least enough to cancel out how many we’ve been losing by changing the game they love so much.”

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