The following is the result of a “flash” draft of leftover Halloween candies, as conducted by Banished to the Pen staff and contributors. Select scouting notes are also included. The picks were based solely on personal preference, and no thought or analysis was put into them. This is not intended to be an authoritative ranking (for that, maybe look for Rolling Stone’s list).

The prospects gather together, eagerly anticipating the call of their name.

 

1. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (“Reese’s Cups are the Barry Bonds. So good it’s suspicious, but you love it anyway.”)

2. Sour Patch Kids

3. Twix (“Pretty sure that’s the only candy bar with the cookie crunch.”)

4. Smarties (“Literally taking chalk over Snickers.”)

5. Snickers

6. 3 Musketeers (“That chocolatey fluff, or whatever the heck that’s called, is so damn good.”)

7. Kit Kat

8. Mr Goodbar (“Doesn’t work well in the heat. Will need to condition to become a future big league candy and not thrown away on Nov 1st.”)

9. Baby Ruth (“A Payday in sheep’s clothes.”)

10. Almond Joy (“Coconut is a waste. Replace it with nougat and we’re in business.”)

20151106_124908The top three overall picks (clockwise): Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Sour Patch Kids, Twix

 

11. 100 Grand

12. Whoppers (“Picked waaaaay under slot. This is a world class talent aside from those occasional blanks that seem to come with each box.” “And they’re shaped like baseballs.”)

13. Starburst (“Starburst are like Molinas and Pink is Yadier.”)

14. Mounds

15. Peanut M&Ms (“60 texture, 50 taste, 30 mouthfeel”)

16. Payday (“The salt is a welcome relief from everything else in the pile.”)

17. Junior Mint (“Like eating a Hershey bar with a tube of toothpaste, to me.”)

18. Tootsie Pops

19. Butterfinger

20. Crunch

“In baseball, October demands slightly different things than the rest of the year. So it is with candy bars. Some very, very good candy bars are tragically marginalized by miniaturization. Snickers, Butterfinger, even Mr. Goodbar takes a hit. Most of the candy at Halloween is fun size, and the best fun-size candy bar (though by no means the best full-size one!) is Crunch.”

“Snickers, I dare say, loses nothing in miniaturization.”

21. Reese’s Pieces (“RP’s deliver Bondsian PB Cup flavor production without the surly exterior of partially melted chocolate. The exquisitely manicured crisp candy coating combined with the smoothness of its innards are reminiscent of a young A-Rod. They can be savored one morsel at a time or in gluttonous Dykstra-esque cheek-bulging handfuls.”)

22. Twizzlers (“Twizzlers are licorice-scented candle wax residue.” “Licorice isn’t flavored like strawberry.” “Neither are Twizzlers.”)

23. Hershey’s Cookies & Cream (“Taking the best flavors and putting them in one package. It has plus-plus taste and smell, and a silver wrapper like the old Kit Kats. Think Paul Byrd and his windup.“)

24. Take 5

25. Skittles

26. Milky Way

27. Hershey’s Special Dark (“The Adam Dunn of candy — traditional candy GMs (the kids) hate it; which means more of it for a candy-savvy GM like myself.“)

28. Mike & Ike

29. Heath (“Plus-plus taste, solid texture, but the 40-grade stickiness brings the overall down.“)

30. Plain M&Ms

 

Undrafted free agents:

Milk Chocolate Hershey, SweeTarts, Dots, circus peanuts, raisins, candy corn, Tootsie Rolls (pictured)

 

“Two unpopular opinions. I love candy corn and really like circus peanuts. Delicious.”

“I was gonna say we’re no longer friends, but maybe we’re best friends, because you can eat all the crappy candy and leave me the good stuff. Come on over any time.”

 

What are your top picks (up to 3)?

 

 

Special thanks to all the draft participants, and treat-givers everywhere.

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