“Valar Morghulis,” in celebration of the upcoming Game of Thrones season, and with the new baseball season underway, I thought I would write a fun article on which players resembled the Game of Thrones characters the most. I didn’t do teams because @ManuclearBomb of Draysbay beat me to it.

First, one must understand that there are a lot, and when I mean a lot, I mean A LOT, of Game of Thrones characters, possibly too many Game of Thrones characters. So, in order to avoid making a list so long that readers would simply decide to stop reading, I set arbitrary standpoints to which characters I would use. Below, I compare 25 characters to 25 players. The way I decided which characters made it was, impact, length, awesomeness, and importance on the show. Meaning, I totally subjectively and arbitrarily decided which characters I would look at. Hopefully you’ll achieve as much joy in reading this as I had in writing it.

WARNING: IF YOU ARE NOT COMPLETELY CAUGHT UP TO THE TV SHOW THERE ARE SOME SPOILERS. Also there is some gratuitous language.

So, let’s get started:

Mike Trout = Tyrion Lannister.

Tyrion Lannister is awesome. Mike Trout is awesome! Tyrion Lannister is everyone’s favorite character. Mike Trout is everyone’s favorite player! Tyrion Lannister fight’s hard for the good of the realm. Mike Trout hits awesome home runs and makes awesome catches for the good of baseball!

Cersei Lannister = Alex Rodriguez

Cersei Lannister is this annoying character with a smug smile, and you just know she’s up to good. That’s kind of Alex Rodriguez: he always has this smug smile when answering questions and you just know he’s up to no good. Also, everyone proclaims to hate them, yet everyone is really happy to have them around. Alex gives the writers something to write about and Cersei gives the audience something to be mad about.

Jon Snow = Corey Dickerson

Hidden in the coldest place in Westeros, Jon Snow is now battle-tested and mature. He seems primed to take on a new and more important role in the world to come.

Corey Dickerson has been hiding in the cold depths of the Colorado Rockies. Last year, he showed us what he can do with a 142 OPS+. This year, he seems primed to take another step forward, and claim an added role of importance in the Colorado Rockies’ lineup.

Daenerys Targaryen = Kris Bryant

Daenerys is this heaping force looming over Westeros in a faraway land that sooner or later will make its mark. That’s Kris Bryant in a nutshell. He’s this heaping force in a faraway land, Triple-A, waiting to make his imprint on the big leagues. Daenerys has her Dragons; Bryant has his home runs.

“I am Daenerys Stormborn and I will take what is mine – with fire and blood I will take it.”

“I am Kris Bryant of house Cub and I will hit what is thrown at me. I will with bat and strength.”

Arya Stark = Mookie Betts

Ok, do I even need to explain this one? Fine I will. She’s short, skinny, spunky, quick, smart, and everyone is underrating her. Mookie, is short, small, skinny, spunky, quick, smart, and a lot of people seem to be underrating him. Arya is going to kill everyone; Mookie is going to hit everything.

Mookie, “Villanueva, Happ, Archer, Rogers, Gonzalez, Hamels,”

The Hound, “What are you doing?”

Mookie, “I can’t sleep until I say the names”

The Hound, “The name of every pitcher?”

Mookie, “No just the ones I’ve homered off of”

Sansa Stark = Yasiel Puig

Ok, why do so many people hate Sansa Stark? She’s awesome. And why do so many people hate Yasiel Puig? He’s awesome. Ok, yes, Yasiel Puig has made his fare share of dumb mistakes, and so has Sansa, but both have matured now. They both know how this game is played and intend to be major players in the years to come.

Jaime Lannister = Bryce Harper

The hair, the beard, the charming good looks, and, oh yeah, both were proclaimed to be the “chosen one” yet both seem to always disappoint. They also both live in a world where they seem to be overshadowed by a better and more interesting character: Tyrian = Trout.

Samwell Tarly = “This week’s pet peeve”

Screw it, I’m calling an audible. If you’re not familiar with this, I’ll explain. At the end of every Banished to the Pen podcast, Ryan Sullivan asks the current weeks’ guests to name their pet peeve about baseball. Samwell is my Game of Thrones pet peeve. I’m sorry but I hate Samwell Tarly: he’s annoying, boring, winy, not interesting, there is no use for him in the show, and he’s one of the rare characters I don’t like. God why couldn’t the white walkers just kill him in season 2?

Theon Greyjoy = Josh Hamilton

He’s the guy (Theon) we use to love but he’s fallen from grace to the point were it simply becomes sad to watch. We all use to love watching Josh Hamilton play baseball: he was fast, strong, and he used to hit everything. Now he just swings at everything, and swings and misses (This commentary is only about his playing ability, nothing to do with off field stuff).

Petyr Baelish = Ben Zobrist

Slowly but surely, a man (Baelish) that came from nothing, that no one thought would amount to anything is building an empire. Zobrist wasn’t a top prospect, only thought to be a utility man but now he’s one of the best players in baseball.

Baelish is an engine of chaos. Ben Zobrist isn’t so different. A player that has no defined position, a player that can switch from position to position as he pleases, not bound by the imaginary roles placed on other players. What sort of chaos has Zobrist unleashed on Major League Baseball? But chaos, as Baelish has said, “isn’t a pit. Chaos is a ladder. Many who try to climb it fail and never get to try again. The fall breaks them. And some, are given a chance to climb. They refuse, they cling to the realm or the gods or love. Illusions. Only the ladder is real. The Climb is all there is”

Tywin Lannister = Clayton Kershaw

Ruthless, determined, smart, and seems to be in control of everything. Kershaw, is the same thing, while he’s pitching you just know that he’s got control of every pitch he throws.

Lord Varys = Ichiro Suzuki

From a distant land, yet smart effective and unconventional yet they both get the job done. Varys controls the realm as well as Ichiro controls the direction of his hit baseballs. Basically meaning they do the best they can.

Varys: “Power resides where men believe it resides; it’s a trick, a shadow on the wall, and very small man can cast a very large shadow”

Joffrey Baratheon = Ryan Braun

Everybody hates Joffrey and I think it’s safe to say that the majority of individuals dislike Ryan Braun. But seriously how awesome was it when Joffrey died.

Sandor Clegane “The Hound” = Prince Fielder

Providing protection for other players has been the calling card of Prince Fielder and Sandor Clegane. But now they are both battered injured and there time in the limelight seems to be up. We will, however, never forget the awesome home runs from Prince Fielder and the never-ending joy of the line “Fuck the King,” uttered so viscerally by The Hound.

Catelyn Stark = Giancarlo Stanton

You don’t agree? Wait just let me explain! Catelyn Stark is famous for making the mistake of accusing Tyrion Lannister of attempting to kill her son Brand. This was one of the major factors that started the war of the five kings. She simply couldn’t see the trick, pulled by Petyr Baelish and her traitorous sister Lisa Aaron.

Giancarlo Stanton just signed a massive 13-yr 325 million dollar contract. Yet he has an opt out after six years. The contract is heavily back loaded! This is Loria were talking about! It’s a trap! It’s a trap I tell you. Somehow Loria is going to get out of this.

Catelyn, “In my bones I know it”

Brandon Stark = Matt Harvey

The injury happened through no fault of their-own, just unfortunate circumstances. They’ve been for far too long on the path of recovery, ever so slowly building their strength for a return. But now we are here, the time has come for both characters to fly.

Stannis Baratheon = Rick Porcello

Once overshadowed by his two brothers, Stannis, now in the North, seems primed to make his mark on the history books, “I will not be a page in someone else’s history book”.

Porcello, overshadowed by his teammates in Detroit, now with the Red Sox and new contract seems primed to make his mark on the world of baseball. It’s his turn to seize the reins of the throne.

Brienne of Tarth = Matt Holliday

It has often occurred to me that many people seem to underappreciate the consistent beatings Brienne of Tarth imposes on other soldiers. Just as many people underappreciate the consistent crushing of pitches Holliday seems to do every year. It’s not pretty or flashy but it is effective and, you know what? It lasts!

Bronn = David Ortiz

Bronn: “You waste time trying to get people to love you, you’ll end up the most popular dead man in town”.

Ortiz doesn’t care about the fines that will fall upon him for delaying the game, he’s going to hit they he’s always hit and doesn’t seem concerned with making any friends.

Robb Stark = Justin Verlander

Not too long ago, Just Verlander and Rob Stark seemed to rule the realms of their world. Rob Stark made fools of Tywin Lannister’s forces with his strategic mind and prowess as a soldier. Justin Verlander made fools of hitters with his blazing fastball and devastating curveball.

But Rob Stark’s streak unfortunately had to come to an end. His reluctance to seek wisdom from others has lead to an all too familiar fate, falling to the Lannisters. Justin Verlander’s streak of greatness has seemingly also come to an end. As the once dominant pitcher has suffered the fate of father time that seemingly every pitcher must go through.

Margaery Tyrell = Rougned Odor

No character has more to gain from the death of Tywin and the diminishing power of the Lannister’s than Margaery Tyrell. The throne seems right for the taking and Margaery is seizing the opportunity.

It’s sad to say but no other player has benefited more from Rangers injuries than Rougned Odor. A good but not overly-praised prospect is seizing the opportunity ahead of him.

Melisandre = Hanley Ramirez

While the red priestess has raised terror over Westeros a similar wind of terror is rising in the East, in the form of Hanley Ramirez. He displayed his magical prowess against the Phillies on opening day and gave the line “The night is dark and full of terrors” a new meaning.

Eddard ‘Ned’ Stark = Derek Jeter

Both heroes are widely respected figures of their times. Now both are gone, however, they no longer exist in their respective worlds and are bound to the fans’ fondness and memories.

Oberyn Martell = Andrelton Simmons

“Do you know why all the world hates a Lannister? You think your gold and your lions and your gold lions make you better than everyone. May I tell you a secret? You’re not a golden lion. You’re just a pink little man who is far too slow on the draw.”

Andrelton Simmons is not too slow on the draw…

Jorah Mormont = Ryan Webb

A lonesome gritty, gutty, hero, who hasn’t achieved a save by the definition of the word but still has a dear place in our hearts. Both are travelers, traveling from different camp to camp, hoping for their opportunity to shine in the sun. Now, however, they have been exiled, cut from their respective camps and their futures have never seemed this uncertain.

That’s all for now. I hope you enjoyed this, and Happy Opening Game of Thrones and Baseball week!